In my day to day paid employment life, I'm a clinical supervisor and a therapist. Although there are many things about this work that I enjoy, perhaps the greatest among them is when I'm able to help someone uncover their passion and start along a path that feels rich and fulfilling. Now, I've no delusions about the reality of needing a real income or that everyone will make zillions doing work they love and I get what a privileged, romantic view that is. There are real bills out there, right? So, here's what I know. Most of the people reading this wake up everyday and make choices about how they want to live. I've lately been working on scaling back the day job so I can be home more - gardening, tending the flock (literally - how awesome is that?), baking, cooking, writing, getting fibre dyed and ready for sale, doing all of the things that well and truly feed my soul. I also love my private practice and have always just fit it around this and that but enough of that, I'm going for it. Now, my employer didn't let me have my full pay on far few hours. In fact, to do this I had to do some different work that comes with a sizeable pay cut (but some other perks like flexible hours). We also hacked and slashed at the supervision part which means I (finally) am no longer responsible for the admin parts (like hiring and firing) and just help people with cases. So, I've increased my bills (paying private practice rent now) and decreased the pay I could rely on and it's not hard to type that and think "yikes!" If you had asked me a year ago whether I thought this would be doable or not, I would have said no way but I would have resented myself and my answer. Sure, I would have swallowed it but it would be there, it has been there for a long time. Now I'm at the point where it's do or die time. Really. I felt like a little peace (<intentional) of my soul got chipped off everyday but I had no options. But really, I do have options. Like pretty much everyone I know, I buy stuff I don't need; I buy coffees, I grab the occasional lunch out, J and I take separate vehicles to our jobs when, with a teeny bit of effort, we could car pool, and so on. When I made this decision (way back in August), I started taking steps. I've gotten back into the habit of baking bread, we're wasting way less (it becomes too easy to waste when it goes to the chickens), I'm making more of an effort with the garden/greenhouse, no lunches out (and I do mean no), no coffees, car pooling even when it's inconvenient and so on. And it's making a difference. A big difference. I truly did not expect this kind of difference. I think we've cut our grocery budget in half over the last couple of months (which is definitely significant). Now I really thought I had nowhere else to go - we live really frugally but there were these little things. Buying a coffee even once a month is $5. That's a lot of groceries, when you think about it. So, what's the point of all of this? Well, I believe that in each and everyone of us, there is a creative spark. I also believe, from many, many, many hours sitting with people from all walks of life, who are feeling like they're floundering or unhappy or dissatisfied or falling apart, or depressed or angry or drowning themselves in anything they think/hope/wish will take those feelings away that most of us aren't nurturing that spark ad it's making us sick. It's that spark that gives us hope, that gives us faith that things can be better. More importantly though, that spark helps us see ourselves, helps us to have a sense of agency and accomplishment, even if we just make things for ourselves. Now to be extra clear, I'm not talking about art making. Full disclosure: I went to a painting class today. I suck at painting. I'm not just saying that. I'm pretty sure that an average Gr 3 student could do better than me but I thought I'd give it a whirl. So no, I'm not talking about spark=art, for me, that spark comes in textiles sometimes (but not as much when I'm just making a pair of socks as dyeing yarn, to be honest) but just as often it exists in the baking of bread, the nurturing of plants, the catching of goat babies: The reality is that for many of us, we have to fit our creative spark around our lives - family and work. Sometimes we're lucky enough to have that spark also generate an income, sometimes it even stays sparky and feeds us. Even if that doesn't happen, we have to nurture and protect that spark because it's what feeds our mental health.
So, go and do something. Go and write a poem that you don't care if you publish, you just want to express yourself, go and paint on some bark, go and build something, bake something, grow something, knit something, do something that helps you feel and alive and connected. Figure out what your spark is (or sparks are, there's no obligation to have just one) and make it grow. Not because you're going to make a tonne of money off it but because it's part of staying healthy, vital, and alive.
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So, you probably have already realized I'm something of a Wendell Berry fan. I am continually amazed at how well he can articulate the state of the world, the reasons for it, and the interconnectedness of all things. I am equally awed by his ability to propose solutions, real solutions, and his understanding of why we're not moving towards those. Although our training is worlds apart, I feel like he is a kindred spirit in the work I'm doing. I mention him because of that intersection. He's helped me to clarify what I'm experiencing in session with a wide range of folks from a wide range of places (I've recently begun accepting Skype sessions with a select number of people). Many of the people I am seeing are in this truly deep state of depression that seems to require medication because it just won't resolve. Now, you will hear people throw out terms like "clinical depression" as if to differentiate from I know not what but I think it's to imply a biological origin that requires medication as opposed to something you can "fix". Interestingly, I see many of these people when they've run out of medication options and are still struggling. Now, before we go any further, let me assure you, they are very much struggling. What I am struggling with, in the face of their struggles, is that no one is talking about why people are struggling. No one is talking about the fact that people are achieving more, we have a higher standard of living across the board than ever before, in North America and lower life satisfaction. Why would that be? It's not probable that as an organism, our ability to process information and turn it into moods has evolved so the majority of people need some type of psychotropic to get through the day - and they're still depressed/miserable/exhausted. Evolution just does not work that quickly (consider our wisdom teeth, for example). The fact is that we're struggling because as a society, we're constantly getting a message that we, as individuals, aren't good enough, we aren't rich enough, organized enough, fancy enough, posh enough, happy enough, beautiful enough. No matter what we buy, it's not the right house, car, clothes, food - even if it was when we bought it. We should be fit and at the gym all of the time but at home with our kids or developing our creative pursuits, or committed to our work and exhausted by it but also fulfilled and doing work we feel passionate about and invigorated by with a smile on our face and a firm commitment in our hearts. But also at home helping our kids with their homework or volunteering, and making homemade everything. Our kids should be perfect and model children but also free to express themselves and be creative but also academic and athletic and independent and thoughtful but not cause too much of a fuss or go against the grain. And we should have me time but also self care (and no, they are not the same thing) but be 100% committed to our place and 100% committed to our family. Do you see where I'm going here? My currently feeling is, to put on my therapist hat, that we're living in a world where the adults are actually being pushed into an adolescent role and that is not healthy. The State will take care of everything for you - just buy things and keep the economy going and it will all work out. Except it's not, is it? Our epidemic of antidepressants and other medications would be the biggest sign of that. I was at a training a couple of years ago that really opened my eyes to the problem. The presenter - a psychologist who happened to also be a lawyer - gave us the stat that one of the biggest areas of growth in prescription medications was in 2-3 year old children who are being given psychostimulants for deficits of attention. Now, I don't know how much you know about 2-3 year olds but they are most definitely the poster child for deficits of attention and they're supposed to be. That doesn't say to me we have an epidemic of children who *need* medication, bad parents, or bad doctors. It says that as a society, we have no idea about whats normal development, and we put unrealistic expectations on a wide range of people starting around age two, it seems. We're also putting unreasonable expectations on the parents - toddlers are messy and can be loud and busy and they should be. If we medicate away what's normal, especially in a brain that's developing and changing that quickly, what harm might we be doing? And these poor parents have no idea where to turn - they just know that they have the "bad" kid, the one who doesn't fit the model and they don't know what to do so they turn to the experts. It's a pretty sick system. Instead of worrying we're missing the 1 kid who might really need some pharmaceutical help, we've cast such a wide net that a statistically significant number of families and kids have been caught in it. Where's the harm? Well, even if we know that the medication isn't altering brain function in a substantive way (something research has proven not to be true but I won't get into that here) the fact is that for me, this puts the onus back on the person as a flawed individual. It's not that each individual is inundated with messages that they can't possibly live up to, it's that something is wrong with you as a person. You're flawed and in need of help except that you're not. Much like a teen who is torn between the values of family, their social group, media pressure, and school, I'm seeing more and more people unsure and scared they'll mess up. And you know what, they're right. Life is messy people. We all step in the muck from time to time. It's not stepping in the muck that's the problem, it's how we stay in it until someone comes to get us out. If no one comes then what? The fact is, most of us have the tools to get ourselves out, we just need some elbow grease and we can do it. The biggest hurdle I'm seeing is that no one wants to walk around with muck on their shoes but we've all got some. Sometimes it's more, sometimes it's less but no one of us are immune. Some of us can buy new shoes and hide each mucky pair in the closet but eventually, the closet fills up. We forget too that muck serves a purpose - it's cleansing, its fertilizing, without it we don't grow. So, embrace your muck, believe in yourself, and start having faith that you know more than you think. The Powers That Be will only take care of you for as long as they get something out of it but that's ok, you don't need them. You just need to believe in yourself, rely on the people you have real relationships with, and don't fear the muck._
So, we live in a world where busy-ness is a normal way of life and exhaustion, its partner. I've seen a lot of "recover from exhaustion" posts but not many of them apply to parents (especially single parents) or even people with other day to day obligations. So, here are a few tips to help you feel less exhausted and more grounded without telling you to quit your job, take a day of silent, private, contemplation, or other thing many of us really can't do.
1) Take your shoes off. Ideally, you'll read this in warm and not too wet weather and you'll take your shoes off outside and walk barefoot in some grass, or a garden, or somewhere that you can really feel the earth. Are you parenting/caregiving? If so, take the people you care for to walk in the grass with you. If you can't get outside, grab a small towel and a straight backed chair. Put the towel on the floor by your feet and using only your toes, scrunch the towel up, moving it along until you've worked the towel all of the way along to the end. I learned about this from my cousin, the Cranky Daoist (also a professor of Traditional Chinese Medicine) and it works like a charm. He uses it to deal with jet lag. I'm finding it works well with life lag. My instructions make no sense at all? Well thank Dogs for the internet. Here's a video on You Tube that shows a demonstration. Can't do that? Try this next one. 2) Make yourself a cup of tea, hot chocolate, coffee, warm milk, hot water and lemon, anything you find comforting (ordinarily). When the beverage is the right temperature - not cool but not hot enough to scald you - take a sip and don't swallow. Instead, close your eyes. Take a moment to savour the flavour and identify it. Is it rich? Sweet? Bitter? Astringent? Soothing? Alert-inducing? What does it make you think of/remind you of? Swallow it and take another drink. Go deeper into it. What do you taste? What good memories come up? Bad memories? No room for them, just the good and savouring ones. One more sip and just totally savour it. 3) Shower. I know this is a difficult one for a parent, especially a single parent. If you don't have a daycare option, see if you can trade with a friend to watch your kid(s) and then you'll watch theirs. You only need about 15 minutes, though you'll likely want more. I just did this one so I'm intimately acquainted with it. It's shocking and rejuvenating and I think you might know where I'm headed. Yep, cold shower. Sometimes I like to have cold and then warm, sometimes, like today, I need the shocking, liberating, freeing effect of all cold. Sometimes I do cold, warm, then cold, it all depends on the day and my mood and all of those variables. Whatever your mood and where ever you want to place the cold, let it shock the bad, blah, dark, angry, whatever is holding you back, right out of you. Let it shock it out and carry it off. It can be returned to the earth and recycled. If you need soothing, you can follow it up with a hot shower but sometimes it's best to just hop out of the shower right after and leave all of the gik (yeah, you read that right) behind. 4) Another recycling option- find a place in nature. Ideally it will be a quiet, private place where you can be alone (I'm giggling a bit remembering how easy that would have been with a four year old). It's ok with you can't be alone - you can teach this one to your kids. Lean against a tree or, if you have no trees around, be close to plants or growing things. You must be in contact with something natural for this to work and while trees work best, it doesn't have to be a tree. Make contact with the earth - with your feet, sitting, or even laying on the earth. Imagine there is a conduit running from your spinal column into the earth and everything bad, yucky, or negative is going through you and into the earth for recycling. Be there for as long as it takes to feel cleansed, or until someone needs a snack/potty/ other demand and you have to get up. Teach your kids to do this too. Let the earth take all of the stress and troubles and cares. You still have to deal with your day to day life but the earth can take some of the stress from them. 5) Plant something you can eat. You might not have money, time, or space for a garden or even a packet of seeds. Most food banks, permaculture centres/programmes, etc. can help get you started, often at no charge. All you need is a pot and something like calendula seeds or nasturtium seeds. Not only are these edible (so safe for small people) they'll absolutely brighten up your life and are pretty fool proof. Seeds+dirt+ water = sprouts. A bit of sunlight= growth and blooming. They're low maintenance. You'll be amazed at how they brighten things up. 6) Forage something yummy. There are few things more fun (for me, but maybe because I'm weird?) than getting some food for free. This is also an adventure you can take your kids on but make sure, before you eat anything or feed it to anyone else, that you really have what you think you have. Some things, like Hawthorn berries or Rowan berries don't taste like much but make good liqueurs. Other things, like lambs lettuce, can be steamed or sautéed to eat - find a reputable foraging site and get hunting! Here are a few I love (in no particular order): http://www.urbanoutdoorskills.com/ http://www.christophernyerges.com/ http://www.urbanhuntress.com/ http://outdoorselfreliance.com/ http://www.selfsufficientish.com/main/ http://www.eatweeds.co.uk/ http://nordicfoodlab.org/ So, that's a decent smattering from the northern hemisphere. I know there are others and please do send them to me if you'd like them included. That concludes your six tips to help get you back online when things are feeling off. They shouldn't cost you anything, can mostly be done if you're caregiving, and don't require too much effort. Happy doing. |
AuthorI'm a 40-something writer and smallholder living in the wilds of BC with my family, our small herd of Nigerian Dwarf Goats, chickens, ducks, dogs, and cats. Archives
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